In life, you often times choose who you create a home with. While some may argue that things change the dynamics and it’s no longer easy – that’s life. Life continues to shape our core personalities for better or worse. In sports and the military, the saying goes “It’s not about how hard you get hit, it’s how you recover from that”. The part you need to figure out is “how are you going to get back up?”. As you continue to get back up, these changes form over time to where you’ve evolved. As such, the dynamics of the household continue to ebb and flow.
How do we deal with that? The first step is understanding the complexities of the household.
Household Personas – Who has the final say?
Within any household, there’s always a dominant persona and a subservient persona. While opinions may fly back and forth, sometimes in arguments, there’s always one who has the stronger opinions. After all, not every decision can be compromised. Can you imagine having two different dinners and two different types of appliances because you could not ever compromise?
Why is this important? Without these power dynamics…you’re left in chaos. Power dynamics are extremely important to recognize because they provide the framework in which the household should operate in. Without a framework, it’s just a random assortment of people doing a random assortment of things. The end result? You feel lost.
Power dynamics have nothing to do with household roles. The misnomer here is that a dominant persona should always organize the household. That’s not always the case but giving everyone a voice is critical. What power dynamics are is the description of who holds the most authority on most topics. While often viewed as a negative, power dynamics also provide a sense of comfort. Don’t want to make a decision? The dominant persona will make the choice for you. It makes you feel safe and helps to drive a path forward.
Roles in the household – Who does what?
Not everyone can fulfill every possible role within the household. If they do, the consequences of such often destroys the household.
Note: The following list is not exhaustive but just the most commonly observed.
Organizer role: This role serves as one of the hardest roles and should be shared amongst household members. To keep the trains running on time is their purpose. All logistics are handled by this role including: Groceries, transporting kids, planning vacations, and ensuring everyone is where they need to be when they need to be. They are calendar masters and should be valued for what they bring. Ideas on breaking out their work are handling the actual implementation of their master plans.
DIY role: The DIY role is often one that relies on creativity and the ability to dive into problems and quickly become an expert. While they make it look easy, it is often time consuming and takes a lot of mental capacity. They often are charged with becoming stewards of the household and fulfilling more menial tasks such as troubleshooting technology or building a small shelf.
Get it done role: This role is probably the simplest, you just do it. This is your get it done role that often falls under two categories: 1) They just do what they see needs to be done, or 2) They must be told to get things done. Often times in the second category, there’s a lack of willingness or vision to see what they can do. We prefer the first option – the proactive approach often stymies any negative feelings from other household members. However, this is often under appreciated because you don’t notice when things are already done!
Manager role: Not to be confused with the Organizer, this role focuses primarily on getting others to accomplish things. If the Organizer is the planner, the Manager focuses on ensuring things are done. Usually when this role appears, things have gone wrong in the household. The recommendation is to manage the negative aspects of the household until the role is no longer needed. Sometimes you just need to be an overbearing boss after all.
Warden role: This facet brings peace to the household and is usually viewed as the law. While some in the household may seek to escape their purview, they often serve as the regulator, judge, and jury. They bring order to chaos and if things are done right in the first place, this role isn’t needed usually.
Where do things go wrong?
Since we’ve discussed power dynamics and roles, you’ll have started to think about the negative aspects of both already. It’s human nature after all. Likely, you’ve indexed on someone being bossy or someone having to fulfill all the roles. Neither of which are sustainable long term.
When the roles become permanent, not shared, or under appreciated…resentment rears its ugly head. Sometimes you need to be a Warden to lay down the law. Other times, you need to become the Manager to ensure we all pull our weight. It’s often unclear on what needs to be executed and when. This is where experimentation helps someone to gain experience. You’re never going to be 100% right in your decisions, but it’s all about how you recover – NOT how you fail. Embrace this.
How can we fix it?
Recognize the roles and power dynamics. Don’t like your current role or power dynamic? Understand how you got there in the first place. Use the following thought processes to better understand how to change it.
- Is it because you have a strength there? Great. Who else in the household can perform that? Be sure to let them fail because they’ll never grow or improve without failure. Be sure to let them fail on tasks that don’t involve life or death situations. Delegate and observe. It’s hard but you need to help build skills for when you’re not there.
- How do I change the power dynamic? While communication is often the go-to solution, communication without action is meaningless. Therefore action is the first step. What can you do today that will progress you into that direction? Do you need to take charge of a role and master it? Earn the respect that comes with the power dynamic.
- Why do I feel like crap? This is more complex and nuanced but the general answer is 1) you’re doing too much and sowing resentment, or 2) you’re not doing enough and you don’t know how to jump in. For the first, communicate and begin delegating. It’s not your fault things aren’t getting done. Generally this is an issue with another person in the household but there are steps you can take. For the second, start taking small meaningful actions. Don’t expect any immediate validation as it takes humans awhile to notice changes.
- What if I feel stuck? Identify where you feel stuck. Break it a part by the roles and power dynamic. This is mainly exploratory as you need to drive to the root issue. Without knowing where the root cause is, you’ll never make lasting resolution to fix anything.
- What if I don’t feel heard? If you don’t feel like you’re being heard, you must first focus inwards. Adapt your communication style and change it. Experiment and observe the results. Rinse and repeat. You can only control yourself. After exhausting all communication changes, give it time. What’s the other side of the story look like? It’s easy to blame another member of the household. It’s hard to experiment and keep trying.